Remember Core Values For Relationship Repair
Through our personal and professional relationship experiences, we have identified a set of basic core values for all relationships, whether parenting, partners, or friends.
These four values are words of action, not just mental representations of some beautiful thing. Since values are abstract to many people, here is the way you can make values work with friends, children, colleagues or lovers.
Connection..
To be linked or bonded with another person or people is the connection. When a child is born, the bonding process involves sight, touch, empathy and positive regard. Understanding is established through eye contact and touch. This tells the child’s brain to recognize, connect, and feel the parent or caregiver. Empathy and positive regard for the child are also connected through conversation, cuddling, holding, and movement like walking and rocking. When a parent treats and speaks to the baby or toddler with kindness, softness, love, and tenderness, the child feels valued and develops an emotional foundation.
We grow and mature, but our human needs for connection and bonding with a loving person never changes. The connection is a driver value.
Each core temperament has needs to be met, and when they are not met, the pattern for emotional abandonment is triggered. You are hard-wired for relationships. Feeling connected is a priority for communication and commitment.
| Achiever | Supporter | Thinker |
Influencer |
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| Core Needs | Autonomy Challenge | Appreciation Harmony | Structure Respect | Admiration Freedom |
Self-Reflect:
In what ways do you feel connected to those closest to you?
Communication
As a value, communication is more than just sending a message or conversing. Communication refers to rapport…. or in HeartWise® language… aligned in the energy or thought and feeling. Having such empathy helps your gut relax, and your demeanor soften.
Communicating from your heart to your child or partner conveys softness and acceptance. Communication cognitively could sound like instruction, even judgment or debate if your voice tone is loud or sharp, Being aligned in the heart helps you feel loved or valued. When you thoughts and feelings match, then speaking does not sound like judgment.
To be in rapport means you can:
- Disagree without being disagreeable
- Effort to control your emotional hijacking and not dump on another
- Move away from the need to be right and shift to listening, being open or reflective,
- Be objective, even while being emotional.
Self-Reflect
How high do you rank communication as a core value in your relationships? Make communication a number 1 priority on your values list for one month and cultivate this quality. Notice how your relationships improve.
Hi Caron,
Growing up, my mom helped me understand my connection to my family in ways that I still use today. My mother was 40 years old when I was born. At 10-she was 50- I would cry myself to sleep believing she was going to die before I woke up. After many sleepless nights trying to comfort me, I can still recall her words of wisdom. She held me in her arms and, in her inherent Greek, said “I cannot promise I will be here the rest of your life…but I can promise I will love you as long as I live.” I cried that night also but for different reasons. I learned the value of connection. As a visual, my mom asked me to hold out my hand and spread my fingers out wide. She asked me to attach a member of my family to each digit. There were 9 of us in the family so I spread out both hands and labeled each digit – mom, dad, brother, brother, sister, sister, sister, brother (I had 2 digits left over which I will explain later.) I labeled the palm of my hand with my full name and was told that my name in the palm represented my reputation. Thus, the connection to my family was never any further away then my hand. If any of the digits became less functional, due to injury or misdeeds – the other digits would support the rest of the hand until it became fully functional again.
I use this example with the families I coach today. I have them draw an outline of both their hands. On the one hand I have them name their family members in each digit and place their own name/reputation in the palm. On the other hand I have them list 5 values that they either aspire to or live by. As they look at each hand – they see the strength in their connections and the dignity in the values they’ve chosen. Once mastered, add 5 different values, and so on. I’ve found that by recognizing the values within themselves, my clients can easily identify those same values in others – completing your core values essentials of Connection, Self Reflection, Communication and Commitment.
Hugs!
Becky, what a beautiful story. I have not heard you talk about this story before. Your mother sounds like she was a wise woman and your love for her and your love for your work shines brightly. Thank you for being in my life.
Hugs back!